The stars are silent, but we fill the night air with our songs.
 
HomeHome  RegisterRegister  Log inLog in  

Share | 
 

 Past events of your Wolf

Go down 

How is my Writing so far?
Perfect sir!
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
^ Almost There
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Good
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Meh
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Bad
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Terrible
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
You are torturing my Brain!
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 0
 

AuthorMessage
Nightmare
Silent Night Shadow
Silent Night Shadow
avatar

Posts : 42
Join date : 2011-11-10
Age : 21
Location : In Your Worst Nightmares

Wolf's Information
Health:
10/200  (10/200)
Age: 2
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Past events of your Wolf   Sun Nov 27, 2011 6:43 pm

The Past Of Your Wolf


Sometimes your feel as if you need to tell more details about your wolf right? Well why not do that here. Or you can just be a critic and help me out with my writing and others. I will change the poll name if you want others to grade your writing. *sigh* I hate being first for writing anything... but here I go.


Last edited by Nightmare on Thu Dec 15, 2011 6:33 pm; edited 4 times in total
Back to top Go down
Nightmare
Silent Night Shadow
Silent Night Shadow
avatar

Posts : 42
Join date : 2011-11-10
Age : 21
Location : In Your Worst Nightmares

Wolf's Information
Health:
10/200  (10/200)
Age: 2
Gender: Male

PostSubject: The Day that Light Disapeard for Nightmare   Sun Nov 27, 2011 7:19 pm

The Day that Light Disapeared

This is what Nightmare dreams about every night.

Ah! snow is falling! thought the young pup excitedly. His white and cinnamon coat practically gleamed in the setting sun. His name was Marrok. His birthback was just relaxzing that day. Accalia's light gray and white coat was also gleaming; his beloved mother. Convel's brick red coat only screamed danger if any strangers came near, his respected and loving father. Lupin was just laying down, his own gray coat blending in with the appoaching clouds, often found showing off his freedom in front of his little brother and sister. Tala ,the littlest pup, had a brick red coat like her father, and was leaning against Lupin. She hadn't made her distaste of Marrok secret and their parents had to break them up before they got too carried away sometimes. On that perfect day of serenity, his light disapeared as they all herd the footsteps of many unknown animals.

The young pups were hidden in then den as the older ones started to head out. Until a loud sound right near the den resonated for a second, as the danger set in. Lupin suddenly had a hole, bleeding profuesly, on the side of his stomach. Tala had the guts to run out and try to help him. A few more bangs and he could see Lupin's brains protruding from his skull. Tala was still with shock. Marrok had fell to the ground over come with grief. He turned his head in time to see Convel's pride degraded as he fell with a shot through his heart. It was shallow, but the pup knew it was agonizing. The bangs then were aimed at his mother, holes going through her neck, skull, tail, hindlegs.. until she looked like swiss cheese. Marrok was still hidden in the den, his eyes crying, his breathe coming jaggedly but quiet enought for the enemy not to hear. They left his young sister for last. He saw the 2 legged creature come up to her, as if trying to be kind. Tala knew better and bit him, but thats when the last of the horror started. The 2 legged creature then took out a long sharp claw, grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and cut off her tail. The pup in the den was falling apart at the sight, he felt cowardly, but his sister never gave him away by looking. Then the creature cut open her stomach -- the pup couldn't watch as they tortured her, laughing. He heard her screams, their evil laughter and the moment they put her out of her mysery.

The pup collapesed on the den floor, watching them take their dead boddies, dragging them like play objects. His father only hanging on to life as they dragged him away. His eyes screamed at him LIVE! DO NOT FOLLOW US! I LOVE YOU! All the while blood and innards trailed behind them. He watched them kill his pack, without mercy, without reason. He just stared out at the bloodied snow, letting his mind lock up the memories, letting time fly by as if it meant nothing. Which it did, to him. Days went by in minutes to him, his vision became redder as the days past, not even bothering to look as his coat until his memories were locked deep inside his head.

But then an old grey and black wolf with piercing blue eyes found him, slowly dying without him even noticing or caring. She nudged him. She's feeling pitty and worry for me, wait how do i know that? the first coherent thoughts he had in weeks and it didn't have much of a meaning. The older wolf ,haveing a calming and caring voice, whisperd "Pup, you must come with me if you want to live" He didn't care but he got up, nontheless, not remembering a thing as if his mind had been erased. " I will come but it's not because i want to live." he said in a whisper. The older wolf only had an understanding look and lead the way to his new life.


Note:
  • Marrok - A knight thought to be a werewolf in a King Author Legend. .
  • Convel - Wolf Warrior (Celtic)
  • Tala - Red Wolf or Stalking Wolf (Native American - Sioux)
  • Accalia - She-wolf in Latin
  • Lupin - Just an Anime name for Wolf.

Spoiler:
 

-------------------------------------

A New Synthetic Light


The pup stood, taking in his surroundings. He could see everything in a red tint, including his fur that looked white mixed with cinnamon as he searched around his back. Except the kind wolf's eyes. Her eyes seemed to glow a bright blue, unfocused, her coat looked white with black mixed around her back and tail. She shook her head and looked at the pup with a smile "Alright now, I think you want to get rid of that red vision right?" He nodded vigerously "Okay, just close your eye's and focus on the sound of that nearby stream until you're fully relaxed." He followed each step, and once he opened his eyes he was shocked.

The world was dark, night time had fallen, yet it used to look like sunset. The fog and shadows now obscured his view, the older wolf now had a pitch-black coat with blue-grey eyes and he was even more shocked when he saw he was pitch-black also. "I know it's a lot to take in for the first time," she said trying to comfort him, "but your eye's look better as a topaz." she said chuckling. "But, now there are even more questions than answers...." replied the pup. She sighed "Even I don't have all the answers, thats why I travel everywhere. Nothing has changed over the years....thats why you should be worried about your next meal instead of the unknown for now."

His stomach growled a few seconds after, not even noticing how weak he was. "Look...erm...Shadow, you agreed to follow me so just stay here for a second." There was a gleam in her eye as she left. Shadow...I like it. But, what do I call her? Shadow was snapped from his thoughts as the old wolf dragged back a cow elk loudly; it was fresh. Once she got it near the mouth of the den, "Eat up." were he only words. Shadow happily complied, but his vision turned red again from his excitement. "You can call me....Moonlight ." her voice twisted around the word in distaste. Shadow looked to find the hatred and sorrow eminattind strongly, mixed with a slight annoyance towards him. Mabey she can read my mind...or immeadiate thoughts. He scoffed at it at first but...who knows? Moonlight ate along with him, for a minute or two. She sighed, and watched Shadow nearly finish the carcass. "Alright Shadow, just follow me to this nearby den."

They jogged, Shadow never looked back. He easily navigated through the fog, the world once again tinted red but easily seen. Moonlight also had an easy time navigating, for an old wolf. He suspected she just found her old scent trail (He was wrong). His thoughts were spinning around with this new ... life in general. He couldn't remember anything past meeting this wolf, and the way she said her own name... made it see just more as a cover-up to him. She doesn't have to lie to me... what is her motive then? He was just plainly curious, not knowing surpressing his own curiosity saved him. Only seconds later he scolded himself. Why am I worrying about some old wolf's name? I have to figure out who I am, what I am and why I cant remember anything! He was going back and forth between confusion and annoyance clear on his face through a whole hour. Once that hour had gone, Moonlight slowed to a stop infront of a large den.

Shadow was bothed surpized and irritated; He wanted to run so much longer but he saw no reason this old wolf would need such a huge den. She sat down in front of the intrance; her eyes gaurded and emotions calm. She sighed, an unwilling sound, but continued on "I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing saving you and all." She looked him in the eye. "I don't think I'll ever be ready to tell anyone my whole story so I'll shorten it for now. You see I have a power eminatting from my eyes also. These bracelets," holding up each paw in succesion, sounding prideful, "also helped honed my powers after years of searching from flimsy leads. And through all of that hard work, it seems I could never find someone like you." She said softly. "The others I had found," a note of sadness in her voice, "had gone past the point of... being saved I supposed."


WORK IN PROGRESS


Last edited by Nightmare on Thu Dec 15, 2011 3:26 pm; edited 9 times in total (Reason for editing : Better?)
Back to top Go down
Kyouya
Shining Star - Alpha Male
Shining Star - Alpha Male
avatar

Posts : 58
Join date : 2011-11-05
Age : 26
Location : In your bloody bathtub... Come hither, muffins! ;D

Wolf's Information
Health:
300/300  (300/300)
Age: 5 years, 10 months
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:42 pm

I think, at the moment, Nightmare. Your writing is very dense, and needs to be broken a little. Some people could find a large chunk of text a lot to handle, and because so they only read a small portion and miss the detail.

My advice is to start structuring your text, first of the agenda; paragraphing. The writing itself is of good quality, you just need to break it up a little.

You start a new paragraph whenever you change the subject in a piece of writing, or in dialogue (but that's only between multiple characters!). If you are unsure about when you have changed the subject, then I would say break the text for a paragraph every 6-12 lines. Personally, I try to go for 8-10, but it depends how far or little I want to explain about a certain something.

I think the power to reveal information is the most powerful tool we have in writing. When writing we are equipped with not 5, but 6 senses.

Five senses; sight, smell, sound, taste and touch.
But the six sense for writers is being able to portray our characters thoughts; although not necessarily through direct thought.

I'll show all six in a small example:
Hector glanced around the deserted forest, mist formed at every possible angle and the only noise was the low ominous tones of wind rushing through the dark trees. His breathing quickened a little and the sick smell of rotten carcasses filled his nostrils. He shook his head and shorted to rid himself of the rancid smell, but it was so strong that he could almost taste the disgusting corpses. It was only until he felt a soggy, damp feeling under his paws did he realise that he was stood in one; he jumped back, terrified. How could he have stood in one without even realising?! Oh! Gross... He thought consciously, wiping his paw once he had reached dry ground.

... You get the idea! Now, if I was to change the subject - for example - "Hector began to walk away..." then I would start a new paragraph. I could even start a new paragraph if I wanted my character to say something.

Anyway, now I suggest you go through your history and have a go at adding in some structure, and also fit it into your writing in the RP if you want to as well Smile

Hope this helped!
=^_^=

______________________
Airi-chan is cuter than you =^_^=
... Even dressed as a strawberry +_+
Back to top Go down
Nightmare
Silent Night Shadow
Silent Night Shadow
avatar

Posts : 42
Join date : 2011-11-10
Age : 21
Location : In Your Worst Nightmares

Wolf's Information
Health:
10/200  (10/200)
Age: 2
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Mon Nov 28, 2011 3:03 pm

Thanks, I should have seen that one coming, since I'm usualy confused about how to paragraph. It also just seemed unimportant to me at times, but i stand corrected.Thanks for the detail to help me get it straight.
Back to top Go down
Kyouya
Shining Star - Alpha Male
Shining Star - Alpha Male
avatar

Posts : 58
Join date : 2011-11-05
Age : 26
Location : In your bloody bathtub... Come hither, muffins! ;D

Wolf's Information
Health:
300/300  (300/300)
Age: 5 years, 10 months
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Mon Nov 28, 2011 5:14 pm

Nightmare wrote:
Thanks, I should have seen that one coming, since I'm usualy confused about how to paragraph. It also just seemed unimportant to me at times, but i stand corrected.Thanks for the detail to help me get it straight.

No problems! I'm always glad to help!! And I just had another look at your wolf's history, and the strusture seems wonderful! As I said, it just helps to break the text and make it easier to see and read. happie

And, I know that I'm probably not the person to ask*, but if you ever need any more details in having the English language explained to you, but I'll always give it a go!

*I was born in Japan, and because so - my native language is Japanese. I only started speaking English around 9 years ago, and I've never had any real lessons in it: hence I roleplay! I had to learn all I know online. So that is why I'm probably not the guy you want to go to!
I write - but I don't know the details behind it and how to do it!

______________________
Airi-chan is cuter than you =^_^=
... Even dressed as a strawberry +_+
Back to top Go down
Akihiko
Star Hidden in the Shadows
Star Hidden in the Shadows


Posts : 18
Join date : 2011-11-06
Location : Open your eyes, maybe you'll see me.

Wolf's Information
Health:
200/200  (200/200)
Age: Four years and eleven months
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Mon Nov 28, 2011 9:43 pm

The story that you have told looks much better with those hints and tips that our Alpha has so kindly bestowed upon you. However, I wish to add a few small details as to how to paragraph.

When you are writing said structure, you must keep in mind that the sentences should focus on one central idea that is being expanded by what you are writing. Also, make sure to stay away from run on sentences because they can bore the reader which also leads to details being missed. Another note to be aware of: sentences should be able to start with different openers. Not many people like to read the same word over and over again due to the dislike of repetition.

Other than that, I liked your story. I hope that you continue to write more and grow from experience.
Back to top Go down
Kyouya
Shining Star - Alpha Male
Shining Star - Alpha Male
avatar

Posts : 58
Join date : 2011-11-05
Age : 26
Location : In your bloody bathtub... Come hither, muffins! ;D

Wolf's Information
Health:
300/300  (300/300)
Age: 5 years, 10 months
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Tue Nov 29, 2011 11:01 am

Like I said - I'm no good at the details! Haha!!

Anyway, have a play with what Aki has helped you with, and we'll both see what else we can help to improve from there happie

______________________
Airi-chan is cuter than you =^_^=
... Even dressed as a strawberry +_+
Back to top Go down
Nightmare
Silent Night Shadow
Silent Night Shadow
avatar

Posts : 42
Join date : 2011-11-10
Age : 21
Location : In Your Worst Nightmares

Wolf's Information
Health:
10/200  (10/200)
Age: 2
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:22 pm

So much to concider... hmm well at least im getting advice to help. I've never been much of a writer but stuff happens when im bored.... Well it's comforting to see my first draft of that story has survived so well. XD I doubt that ill actualy be a professional author or anything but this will be fun in my free time. which i seem to always have a surplus of.
Back to top Go down
Nightmare
Silent Night Shadow
Silent Night Shadow
avatar

Posts : 42
Join date : 2011-11-10
Age : 21
Location : In Your Worst Nightmares

Wolf's Information
Health:
10/200  (10/200)
Age: 2
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Wed Nov 30, 2011 4:03 pm

Ok people, im going to start tearing my hair out!! I need some help with making names.... no imagination in that department.... I feel like i'm reapeating so much because i dont have the names. I promise i will give you credit for the name in that post and i will worship you in the chatbox hug
Back to top Go down
Akihiko
Star Hidden in the Shadows
Star Hidden in the Shadows


Posts : 18
Join date : 2011-11-06
Location : Open your eyes, maybe you'll see me.

Wolf's Information
Health:
200/200  (200/200)
Age: Four years and eleven months
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Wed Nov 30, 2011 4:40 pm

Nightmare wrote:
Ok people, im going to start tearing my hair out!! I need some help with making names.... no imagination in that department.... I feel like i'm reapeating so much because i dont have the names. I promise i will give you credit for the name in that post and i will worship you in the chatbox hug

If you seek imaginative, original names talk to Pandora. She can give names that you've never heard of.
Back to top Go down
Nightmare
Silent Night Shadow
Silent Night Shadow
avatar

Posts : 42
Join date : 2011-11-10
Age : 21
Location : In Your Worst Nightmares

Wolf's Information
Health:
10/200  (10/200)
Age: 2
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Sat Dec 03, 2011 6:47 pm

Akihiko wrote:
If you seek imaginative, original names talk to Pandora. She can give names that you've never heard of.

*sigh* I meant to ask pandora yesterday.... but google helped me out quickly. Now I have started another story, and it's been very helpful with the names. Think it's less repetative now?
Back to top Go down
Kyouya
Shining Star - Alpha Male
Shining Star - Alpha Male
avatar

Posts : 58
Join date : 2011-11-05
Age : 26
Location : In your bloody bathtub... Come hither, muffins! ;D

Wolf's Information
Health:
300/300  (300/300)
Age: 5 years, 10 months
Gender: Male

PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   Sun Dec 04, 2011 6:19 am

Lupin III is also an manga series, and the main character is called Arsene Lupin, mostly known as Lupin :P

I love that series ^_^

______________________
Airi-chan is cuter than you =^_^=
... Even dressed as a strawberry +_+
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Past events of your Wolf   

Back to top Go down
 
Past events of your Wolf
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Wolf Wilderness
» [| Wolf Profiles
» Miya, A young wolf ready to start / join a pack
» Wahya Goshe a loner wolf
» ur past *poem*

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Starry Silence Pack :: Creative Corner :: Writings-
Jump to: